DATI, pag maganda nililigawan agad,
NGAYON, pag maganda tinititigan muna kasi baka bakla!
DATI, kaunti lang ang mga gwapong lalaki,
NGAYON, kaunti na lang ang mga guwapo na tunay na lalaki!
DATI, pag guwapo babaero,
NGAYON, pati PANGIT babaero na rin, choosy pa!
DATI, hinihintay munang bumilog ang buwan bago magpakasal,
NGAYON, hihintayin munang bumilog ang tiyan bago pakasalan!
DATI, lalaki ang nanliligaw sa babae,
NGAYON, lalaki pa rin naman ang nanliligaw.... sa mga bakla!
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Laugh
Makabagong kasabihan: Kagandahan edition
1 ) Para sa magaganda: "aanhin mo ang ganda, kung wala ka namang papa."
2 ) Para sa gustong magpaganda/retokada : "kung gusto mong lumandi, tiisin mo ang hapdi"
3 ) Para sa mga feeling magaganda: "talbog ang matigas na tinapay sa tigas ng mukha ng nagmamagandang inday"
4 ) Para sa mga walang ganda: "mabait man daw at magaling, ang chaka-chaka pa rin"
****
Words to live by ng mga bading (hehehe)
"Walang kaibi-kaibigan pag agawan na ng dyowa ang usapan"
"Sa hinaba-haba man ng prusisyon, bading din pala ang magiging karelasyon."
"Walang matinong lalake sa malanding kumpare"
"Aanhin mo ang guwapo, kung mas malandi pa sa iyo?"
"Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling dyowa, sa mga bath houses naglipana."
"Matalino man daw ang bading, napeperahan pa rin."
***
T: Ano ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman kung matanda na tayo?
S: 'Yung paggising mo, tapos, pagtingin mo sa tagiliran, matanda rin ang iyong katabi.
***
Symptoms of a CERTIFIED SINGLE:
• Mahilig kumain.
• Panalo ang social life. Alam lahat ng gimikan at mall sale.
• Hayok sa tulog.
• Gadget-addict.
• Sa cellphone, group message nang group message ng quotes.
• Ngumingiti kahit nag-iisa.
• Tumataba.
• Porma to the max.
• Mukhang happy kahit hindi naman talaga.
Symptoms of a CERTIFIED TAKEN:
• Walang pera.
• Mukhang ngarag at laspag.
• Kuripot.
• Blooming, kasi, kailangan para hindi iwan.
• Walang social life kundi dyowa niya.
• Boring kausap.
***
7 tips para maiba naman ang araw mo:
1. Sikmuraan ang unang taong kasalubong at humingi ng sorry.
2. Uminom ng pampatulog labanan ito, magexercise.
3. Tibagin ang bahay gamit ang kutsara at buuin muli.
4. Himatayin kunwari sa daan, tiyaking may tao.
5. Tahiin ang puwet at magpatingin sa doctOR
6. Kurutin ang nakababatang kapatid pagkatapos unahan mong umiyak.
7. Makapagtitigan sa isda. Huwag titigil hanggat hindi ito kumukurap...
****
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Manny Pacquiao Jokes
:p
Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.
Aling Dionisia: Talaga?... gusto ko gumanda!
Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.
Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?
Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?
Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Reporter: Ngayung nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
Doctor: (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?
Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo..
Hatton: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!
Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.
Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?
Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.
Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin. "MANKY"......
Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga 'nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny-jinky)
---------- --------- ---------- ------------ ------------ --------
Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky: Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita. ang dilim!!
---------- --------- ----------- ------------ -------- ---------
Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan...
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa Gen San?
Manny: Ah, yun ba? uhmm...eh... ang masasabi kulang diyan ay....
Reporter: Ano..?
Manny: Ahh, kwan,...maraming Fish sa Gen San pero wala masyado umo-Order
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk:
Manny: Pare, ba't naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Noodle!!
Noodle!! Noodle!!
Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Sa Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Sa isang Birthday Party
Aling Dionisia: Blue!!! Blue the Kick!!!!
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
You is!' 'you is! you is!', sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika.. Andito na ako sa 'you is!'
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Chavit: Manny, paki - acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman, late dumating. Ayun kadadaan lang sa tabi ng ringside.
Manny: I would like to acknowledge the ARRIVAL OF THE LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY!!
(Author's Note: These jokes are not owned by the author. These were all extracted from the circulating e-mails.)
Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.
Aling Dionisia: Talaga?... gusto ko gumanda!
Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.
Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?
Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?
Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Reporter: Ngayung nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
Doctor: (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?
Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo..
Hatton: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!
Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.
Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?
Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.
Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin. "MANKY"......
Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga 'nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny-jinky)
---------- --------- ---------- ------------ ------------ --------
Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky: Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita. ang dilim!!
---------- --------- ----------- ------------ -------- ---------
Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan...
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa Gen San?
Manny: Ah, yun ba? uhmm...eh... ang masasabi kulang diyan ay....
Reporter: Ano..?
Manny: Ahh, kwan,...maraming Fish sa Gen San pero wala masyado umo-Order
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk:
Manny: Pare, ba't naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Noodle!!
Noodle!! Noodle!!
Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Sa Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Sa isang Birthday Party
Aling Dionisia: Blue!!! Blue the Kick!!!!
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
You is!' 'you is! you is!', sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika.. Andito na ako sa 'you is!'
---------- ---------- ---------- ------------ ----------- -----------
Chavit: Manny, paki - acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman, late dumating. Ayun kadadaan lang sa tabi ng ringside.
Manny: I would like to acknowledge the ARRIVAL OF THE LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY!!
(Author's Note: These jokes are not owned by the author. These were all extracted from the circulating e-mails.)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Sexist World
Girl:
It is odd how society seees things. Let's say if a guy sleeps with all these girls, "he's the man!" or a stud. But if a girl does, she's a total slut or whore. Is society sexists?
Guy:
Well, think about it this way. If a key can open a bunch of locks, it's viewed as a "master key", and is awesome to have. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, well that's a pretty shitty lock if you ask me.
Lamebook
It is odd how society seees things. Let's say if a guy sleeps with all these girls, "he's the man!" or a stud. But if a girl does, she's a total slut or whore. Is society sexists?
Guy:
Well, think about it this way. If a key can open a bunch of locks, it's viewed as a "master key", and is awesome to have. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, well that's a pretty shitty lock if you ask me.
Lamebook
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Yaya
:~
1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”
--- --- --------- ---------
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
--- --- --------- ---------
3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”
--- --- --------- ---------
4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”
--- --- --------- ---------
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
--- --- --------- ---------
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”
--- --- --------- ---------
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”
--- --- --------- ---------
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
--- --- --------- ---------
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”
--- --- --------- ---------
12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”
--- --- --------- ---------
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”
--- --- --------- ---------
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”
--- --- --------- ---------
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”
--- --- --------- ---------
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”
--- --- --------- ---------
18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
--- --- --------- ---------
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”
--- --- --------- ---------
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”
--- --- --------- ---------
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”
--- --- --------- ---------
23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”
--- --- --------- ---------
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”
--- --- --------- ---------
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
--- --- --------- ---------
26. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”
--- --- --------- ---------
27. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”
--- --- --------- ---------
1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”
--- --- --------- ---------
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
--- --- --------- ---------
3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”
--- --- --------- ---------
4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”
--- --- --------- ---------
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
--- --- --------- ---------
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”
--- --- --------- ---------
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”
--- --- --------- ---------
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
--- --- --------- ---------
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”
--- --- --------- ---------
12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”
--- --- --------- ---------
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”
--- --- --------- ---------
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”
--- --- --------- ---------
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”
--- --- --------- ---------
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”
--- --- --------- ---------
18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
--- --- --------- ---------
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”
--- --- --------- ---------
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”
--- --- --------- ---------
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”
--- --- --------- ---------
23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”
--- --- --------- ---------
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”
--- --- --------- ---------
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
--- --- --------- ---------
26. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”
--- --- --------- ---------
27. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”
--- --- --------- ---------
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Cowboy and The Genie
:~
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Friday, May 29, 2009
What Type of Programmer Are You?
:p
10 types of programmers you’ll encounter in the field
Programmers enjoy a reputation for being peculiar people. In fact, even within the development community, there are certain programmer archetypes that other programmers find strange. Here are 10 types of programmers you are likely to run across. Can you think of any more?
#1: Gandalf
This programmer type looks like a short-list candidate to play Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings. He (or even she!) has a beard halfway to his knees, a goofy looking hat, and may wear a cape or a cloak in the winter. Luckily for the team, this person is just as adept at working magic as Gandalf. Unluckily for the team, they will need to endure hours of stories from Gandalf about how he or she to walk uphill both ways in the snow to drop off the punch cards at the computer room. The Gandalf type is your heaviest hitter, but you try to leave them in the rear and call them up only in times of desperation.
#2: The Martyr
In any other profession, The Martyr is simply a “workaholic.” But in the development field, The Martyr goes beyond that and into another dimension. Workaholics at least go home to shower and sleep. The Martyr takes pride in sleeping at the desk amidst empty pizza boxes. The problem is, no one ever asked The Martyr to work like this. And he or she tries to guilt-trip the rest of the team with phrases like, “Yeah, go home and enjoy dinner. I’ll finish up the next three week’s worth of code tonight.”
#3: Fanboy
Watch out for Fanboy. If he or she corners you, you’re in for a three-hour lecture about the superiority of Dragonball Z compared to Gundam Wing, or why the Playstation 3 is better than the XB 360. Fanboy’s workspace is filled with posters, action figures, and other knick-knacks related to some obsession, most likely imported from Japan. Not only are Fanboys obnoxious to deal with, they often put so much time into the obsession (both in and out of the office) that they have no clue when it comes to doing what they were hired to do.
#4: Vince Neil
This 40-something is a throwback to 1984 in all of the wrong ways. Sporting big hair, ripped stonewashed jeans, and a bandana here or there, Vince sits in the office humming Bon Jovi and Def Leppard tunes throughout the workday. This would not be so bad if “Pour Some Sugar on Me” was not so darned infectious.
Vince is generally a fun person to work with, and actually has a ton of experience, but just never grew up. But Vince becomes a hassle when he or she tries living the rock ‘n roll lifestyle to go with the hair and hi-tops. It’s fairly hard to work with someone who carries a hangover to work every day.
#5: The Ninja
The Ninja is your team’s MVP, and no one knows it. Like the legendary assassins, you do not know that The Ninja is even in the building or working, but you discover the evidence in the morning. You fire up the source control system and see that at 4 AM, The Ninja checked in code that addresses the problem you planned to spend all week working on, and you did not even know that The Ninja was aware of the project! See, while you were in Yet Another Meeting, The Ninja was working.
Ninjas are so stealthy, you might not even know their name, but you know that every project they’re on seems to go much more smoothly. Tread carefully, though. The Ninja is a lone warrior; don’t try to force him or her to work with rank and file.
#6: The Theoretician
The Theoretician knows everything there is to know about programming. He or she can spend four hours lecturing about the history of an obscure programming language or providing a proof of how the code you wrote is less than perfectly optimal and may take an extra three nanoseconds to run. The problem is, The Theoretician does not know a thing about software development. When The Theoretician writes code, it is so “elegant” that mere mortals cannot make sense of it. His or her favorite technique is recursion, and every block of code is tweaked to the max, at the expense of timelines and readability.
The Theoretician is also easily distracted. A simple task that should take an hour takes Theoreticians three months, since they decide that the existing tools are not sufficient and they must build new tools to build new libraries to build a whole new system that meets their high standards. The Theoretician can be turned into one of your best players, if you can get him or her to play within the boundaries of the project itself and stop spending time working on The Ultimate Sorting Algorithm.
#7: The Code Cowboy
The Code Cowboy is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. He or she is almost always a great programmer and can do work two or three times faster than anyone else. The problem is, at least half of that speed comes by cutting corners. The Code Cowboy feels that checking code into source control takes too long, storing configuration data outside of the code itself takes too long, communicating with anyone else takes too long… you get the idea.
The Code Cowboy’s code is a spaghetti code mess, because he or she was working so quickly that the needed refactoring never happened. Chances are, seven pages’ worth of core functionality looks like the “don’t do this” example of a programming textbook, but it magically works. The Code Cowboy definitely does not play well with others. And if you put two Code Cowboys on the same project, it is guaranteed to fail, as they trample on each other’s changes and shoot each other in the foot.
Put a Code Cowboy on a project where hitting the deadline is more important than doing it right, and the code will be done just before deadline every time. The Code Cowboy is really just a loud, boisterous version of The Ninja. While The Ninja executes with surgical precision, The Code Cowboy is a raging bull and will gore anything that gets in the way.
#8: The Paratrooper
You know those movies where a sole commando is air-dropped deep behind enemy lines and comes out with the secret battle plans? That person in a software development shop is The Paratrooper. The Paratrooper is the last resort programmer you send in to save a dying project. Paratroopers lack the patience to work on a long-term assignment, but their best asset is an uncanny ability to learn an unfamiliar codebase and work within it. Other programmers might take weeks or months to learn enough about a project to effectively work on it; The Paratrooper takes hours or days. Paratroopers might not learn enough to work on the core of the code, but the lack of ramp-up time means that they can succeed where an entire team might fail.
#9: Mediocre Man
“Good enough” is the best you will ever get from Mediocre Man. Don’t let the name fool you; there are female varieties of Mediocre Man too. And he or she always takes longer to produce worse code than anyone else on the team. “Slow and steady barely finishes the race” could describe Mediocre Man’s projects. But Mediocre Man is always just “good enough” to remain employed.
When you interview this type, they can tell you a lot about the projects they’ve been involved with but not much about their actual involvement. Filtering out the Mediocre Man type is fairly easy: Ask for actual details of the work they’ve done, and they suddenly get a case of amnesia. Let them into your organization, though, and it might take years to get rid of them.
#10: The Evangelist
No matter what kind of environment you have, The Evangelist insists that it can be improved by throwing away all of your tools and processes and replacing them with something else. The Evangelist is actually the opposite of The Theoretician. The Evangelist is outspoken, knows an awful lot about software development, but performs very little actual programming.
The Evangelist is secretly a project manager or department manager at heart but lacks the knowledge or experience to make the jump. So until The Evangelist is able to get into a purely managerial role, everyone else needs to put up with his or her attempts to revolutionize the workplace.
10 types of programmers you’ll encounter in the field
Programmers enjoy a reputation for being peculiar people. In fact, even within the development community, there are certain programmer archetypes that other programmers find strange. Here are 10 types of programmers you are likely to run across. Can you think of any more?
#1: Gandalf
This programmer type looks like a short-list candidate to play Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings. He (or even she!) has a beard halfway to his knees, a goofy looking hat, and may wear a cape or a cloak in the winter. Luckily for the team, this person is just as adept at working magic as Gandalf. Unluckily for the team, they will need to endure hours of stories from Gandalf about how he or she to walk uphill both ways in the snow to drop off the punch cards at the computer room. The Gandalf type is your heaviest hitter, but you try to leave them in the rear and call them up only in times of desperation.
#2: The Martyr
In any other profession, The Martyr is simply a “workaholic.” But in the development field, The Martyr goes beyond that and into another dimension. Workaholics at least go home to shower and sleep. The Martyr takes pride in sleeping at the desk amidst empty pizza boxes. The problem is, no one ever asked The Martyr to work like this. And he or she tries to guilt-trip the rest of the team with phrases like, “Yeah, go home and enjoy dinner. I’ll finish up the next three week’s worth of code tonight.”
#3: Fanboy
Watch out for Fanboy. If he or she corners you, you’re in for a three-hour lecture about the superiority of Dragonball Z compared to Gundam Wing, or why the Playstation 3 is better than the XB 360. Fanboy’s workspace is filled with posters, action figures, and other knick-knacks related to some obsession, most likely imported from Japan. Not only are Fanboys obnoxious to deal with, they often put so much time into the obsession (both in and out of the office) that they have no clue when it comes to doing what they were hired to do.
#4: Vince Neil
This 40-something is a throwback to 1984 in all of the wrong ways. Sporting big hair, ripped stonewashed jeans, and a bandana here or there, Vince sits in the office humming Bon Jovi and Def Leppard tunes throughout the workday. This would not be so bad if “Pour Some Sugar on Me” was not so darned infectious.
Vince is generally a fun person to work with, and actually has a ton of experience, but just never grew up. But Vince becomes a hassle when he or she tries living the rock ‘n roll lifestyle to go with the hair and hi-tops. It’s fairly hard to work with someone who carries a hangover to work every day.
#5: The Ninja
The Ninja is your team’s MVP, and no one knows it. Like the legendary assassins, you do not know that The Ninja is even in the building or working, but you discover the evidence in the morning. You fire up the source control system and see that at 4 AM, The Ninja checked in code that addresses the problem you planned to spend all week working on, and you did not even know that The Ninja was aware of the project! See, while you were in Yet Another Meeting, The Ninja was working.
Ninjas are so stealthy, you might not even know their name, but you know that every project they’re on seems to go much more smoothly. Tread carefully, though. The Ninja is a lone warrior; don’t try to force him or her to work with rank and file.
#6: The Theoretician
The Theoretician knows everything there is to know about programming. He or she can spend four hours lecturing about the history of an obscure programming language or providing a proof of how the code you wrote is less than perfectly optimal and may take an extra three nanoseconds to run. The problem is, The Theoretician does not know a thing about software development. When The Theoretician writes code, it is so “elegant” that mere mortals cannot make sense of it. His or her favorite technique is recursion, and every block of code is tweaked to the max, at the expense of timelines and readability.
The Theoretician is also easily distracted. A simple task that should take an hour takes Theoreticians three months, since they decide that the existing tools are not sufficient and they must build new tools to build new libraries to build a whole new system that meets their high standards. The Theoretician can be turned into one of your best players, if you can get him or her to play within the boundaries of the project itself and stop spending time working on The Ultimate Sorting Algorithm.
#7: The Code Cowboy
The Code Cowboy is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. He or she is almost always a great programmer and can do work two or three times faster than anyone else. The problem is, at least half of that speed comes by cutting corners. The Code Cowboy feels that checking code into source control takes too long, storing configuration data outside of the code itself takes too long, communicating with anyone else takes too long… you get the idea.
The Code Cowboy’s code is a spaghetti code mess, because he or she was working so quickly that the needed refactoring never happened. Chances are, seven pages’ worth of core functionality looks like the “don’t do this” example of a programming textbook, but it magically works. The Code Cowboy definitely does not play well with others. And if you put two Code Cowboys on the same project, it is guaranteed to fail, as they trample on each other’s changes and shoot each other in the foot.
Put a Code Cowboy on a project where hitting the deadline is more important than doing it right, and the code will be done just before deadline every time. The Code Cowboy is really just a loud, boisterous version of The Ninja. While The Ninja executes with surgical precision, The Code Cowboy is a raging bull and will gore anything that gets in the way.
#8: The Paratrooper
You know those movies where a sole commando is air-dropped deep behind enemy lines and comes out with the secret battle plans? That person in a software development shop is The Paratrooper. The Paratrooper is the last resort programmer you send in to save a dying project. Paratroopers lack the patience to work on a long-term assignment, but their best asset is an uncanny ability to learn an unfamiliar codebase and work within it. Other programmers might take weeks or months to learn enough about a project to effectively work on it; The Paratrooper takes hours or days. Paratroopers might not learn enough to work on the core of the code, but the lack of ramp-up time means that they can succeed where an entire team might fail.
#9: Mediocre Man
“Good enough” is the best you will ever get from Mediocre Man. Don’t let the name fool you; there are female varieties of Mediocre Man too. And he or she always takes longer to produce worse code than anyone else on the team. “Slow and steady barely finishes the race” could describe Mediocre Man’s projects. But Mediocre Man is always just “good enough” to remain employed.
When you interview this type, they can tell you a lot about the projects they’ve been involved with but not much about their actual involvement. Filtering out the Mediocre Man type is fairly easy: Ask for actual details of the work they’ve done, and they suddenly get a case of amnesia. Let them into your organization, though, and it might take years to get rid of them.
#10: The Evangelist
No matter what kind of environment you have, The Evangelist insists that it can be improved by throwing away all of your tools and processes and replacing them with something else. The Evangelist is actually the opposite of The Theoretician. The Evangelist is outspoken, knows an awful lot about software development, but performs very little actual programming.
The Evangelist is secretly a project manager or department manager at heart but lacks the knowledge or experience to make the jump. So until The Evangelist is able to get into a purely managerial role, everyone else needs to put up with his or her attempts to revolutionize the workplace.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Why Am I Married?
:~
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Monday, April 27, 2009
A Letter to Bob Ong
:p
Dear Mr. Bob Ong,
Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.
Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?
In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one?
Lubos na gumagalang,
- Bartolome -
- ANG REPLY -
Dear Bartolome,
Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?
Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:
1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box—yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.
Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart."
2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”
3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”
4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.
5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”
6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”
7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit. (para sa mga hindi maka-“gets”, kapag tinanong ka, ang sagot mo ay, “sapagkat, ikaw lamang ang tanging ilaw at liwanag sa buhay ko”, o kaya naman ay, “you light up my life”…
8. I-text mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”
9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”
10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”
11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: "aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko."
12. Pagatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, "ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo"
13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng "salbabida", wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bakit? ang isagot mo ay " ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko."
14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na “don’t leave your valuables unattended.”
Handang tumulong lagi,
- Bob Ong -
Dear Mr. Bob Ong,
Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.
Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?
In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one?
Lubos na gumagalang,
- Bartolome -
- ANG REPLY -
Dear Bartolome,
Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?
Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:
1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box—yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.
Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart."
2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”
3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”
4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.
5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”
6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”
7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit. (para sa mga hindi maka-“gets”, kapag tinanong ka, ang sagot mo ay, “sapagkat, ikaw lamang ang tanging ilaw at liwanag sa buhay ko”, o kaya naman ay, “you light up my life”…
8. I-text mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”
9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”
10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”
11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: "aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko."
12. Pagatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, "ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo"
13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng "salbabida", wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bakit? ang isagot mo ay " ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko."
14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na “don’t leave your valuables unattended.”
Handang tumulong lagi,
- Bob Ong -
Friday, April 24, 2009
Man and Wife
:D
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure. What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or no."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure. What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or no."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Monday, April 20, 2009
True Stories About Stupid PC Customer
:r
"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled Win95..."
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled Win95..."
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
Monday, April 6, 2009
English Tagalog Dictionary
:v
Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Tissue - Ikaw nga!
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
Profit - Patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog - bacon saka egg
Beehive - magpakatino ka
CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Diploma - Ang tubero
Deposit - Ang Gripo (i.e. Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
Debug - ang ipis
Defrag - ang palaka
Defense - ang bakod
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate - ang plato
Detest - ang eksamin
Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote - ang boto
Devastation - sakayan ng bus
Dilemma - brownout, a!
Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
Forums - apat na kwarto
July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
Liturgy - what comes after litur F
Thesis - ito ay...
Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Tissue - Ikaw nga!
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
Profit - Patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog - bacon saka egg
Beehive - magpakatino ka
CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Diploma - Ang tubero
Deposit - Ang Gripo (i.e. Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
Debug - ang ipis
Defrag - ang palaka
Defense - ang bakod
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate - ang plato
Detest - ang eksamin
Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote - ang boto
Devastation - sakayan ng bus
Dilemma - brownout, a!
Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
Forums - apat na kwarto
July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
Liturgy - what comes after litur F
Thesis - ito ay...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Funny Answers by Brilliants
:~
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already built.
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.(Good one)
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: No Probs, He sleeps at night.
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.
Q: What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A: Dinner.
Q: What happened when wheel was invented ?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already built.
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.(Good one)
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: No Probs, He sleeps at night.
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.
Q: What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A: Dinner.
Q: What happened when wheel was invented ?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Mga Pamatay na Hirit
:r
(Karugtong ng Corny Pick-up Lines)
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"
PAMATAY NA REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"
(Karugtong ng Corny Pick-up Lines)
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"
PAMATAY NA REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"
Monday, March 9, 2009
Bill Gates Recruits New Chairman
:D
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new
Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is
MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to loseif I stay. I'll give it a try.
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than100 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose? So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only
two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, `Unsa mana, Dong?'
The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, Pre.'
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new
Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is
MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to loseif I stay. I'll give it a try.
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than100 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose? So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only
two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, `Unsa mana, Dong?'
The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, Pre.'
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Old Jokes
:z
ABAKADA
Baka kasi Inglisera na tayong masyado, so practice muna ulit ng ating wika, okay?
Basahin ang mga sumusunod sa Tagalog:
B, K, W, L, K, M, G, W, P, R, M, S, Y, T, W, K, H, H, H, T, W, P, H, H,
H, T, M, N, P, R, K, N, T, NGa!
P! , D, L, Mo, S, I, B...
P, R, N, man, M, K, B, wi K ! H, H, H.....
ANAK AT NANAY
Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!
ANAK AT TATAY
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa
Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.
PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako...
Doktor .... so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.
CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?'
Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!'
ABAKADA
Baka kasi Inglisera na tayong masyado, so practice muna ulit ng ating wika, okay?
Basahin ang mga sumusunod sa Tagalog:
B, K, W, L, K, M, G, W, P, R, M, S, Y, T, W, K, H, H, H, T, W, P, H, H,
H, T, M, N, P, R, K, N, T, NGa!
P! , D, L, Mo, S, I, B...
P, R, N, man, M, K, B, wi K ! H, H, H.....
ANAK AT NANAY
Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!
ANAK AT TATAY
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa
Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.
PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako...
Doktor .... so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.
CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?'
Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!'
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Parental Wisdom - Filipino Style
:~
Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.
1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."
2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"
3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC:
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."
4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:
"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."
5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"
6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"
7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"
8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"
9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."
10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"
11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"
12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY:
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"
13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"
14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng
RECEIVING:
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"
15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"
16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:
"Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"
Friday, January 9, 2009
Disorder in the American Courts
:r
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
Friday, December 19, 2008
You Should Know Better!
:v
15 Sex Facts To Make You Feel Good!
1 A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
2 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
3 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
4 Eighty-five percent of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse are found to have been cheating on their wives.
5 The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. Do the math!
6 The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
7 The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
8 Twenty-five percent of women think money makes a man sexier.
9 Donald Duck comics were once banned from Finland because Donald didn’t wear pants.
10 Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have five times as many lovers as typical women.
11 Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
12 A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
13 Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
14 Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
15 Average number of sperm per ejaculation: 100 million (try counting)
15 Sex Facts To Make You Feel Good!
1 A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
2 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
3 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
4 Eighty-five percent of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse are found to have been cheating on their wives.
5 The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. Do the math!
6 The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
7 The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
8 Twenty-five percent of women think money makes a man sexier.
9 Donald Duck comics were once banned from Finland because Donald didn’t wear pants.
10 Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have five times as many lovers as typical women.
11 Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
12 A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
13 Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
14 Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
15 Average number of sperm per ejaculation: 100 million (try counting)
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tagalog Nursery Rhymes ng mga Bading
:d
*BUBUKA ANG BULAKLAK
Bubukesh ang floweret
jojosok ang reynabelz
shochurva ng chacha
pa jembot jembot fah
boom tiyayavush
tiyayavush chenes
boom tiyayavush
tiyayavush chenes
______________________________
*PEN PEN DE SARAHPEN
Pen pen de chorvaloo
de kemerloo de eklavoo
hao hao de chenelyn
de ba yutech
si friti dapat iipit
goldness-filak
chumochorva
sa tabi ng chenes
shoyang fula
talong na fula
shoyang fute
talong na mapute
chuk chak chenes
namo uz ek
______________________________
*TAGU-TAGUAN
Shogu-shoguan
ning ning galore ng buwan
pag-counting ng krompu
naka shogu na kayey
jisa
krolawa
shotlo
kyopat
jima
kyonim
nyitoert
walochi
syamert
krompu
mga beki
andetrax na si atashi
______________________________
*AKO AY MAY ALAGA
aketch may nyologa
solang majuba
juntot ay majoba
majinis ang nyukha
halgay niya aketch
halgay ko rin siyasi
kaya mekey mudwa
laging magkajoma
______________________________
*SAMPUNG MGA DALIRI
jompung mga joliri
jomay at tiil
joluwang jenga
joluwang tameyk
jilong na magandich
majijiit ng ngipin
majurap ilafez
jilang majiit nagjojobing
wag kang magjijinungaling
______________________________
*INDIAN PANA
indian shona
shoshona-shona
shotlong jitlog
jojolog jolog
indian jona
jojona-jona
shotlong jitlog
jojolog jolog
______________________________
*BAHAY KUBO
valer kuberch
kahit jutay
ang julamantrax dochi
ay anek anek
nyongkamas at nyutring
nyogarilyas at kipey
nyitaw, nyotaw jutani
kundol, jutola
jupo't jolabastrax
at mega join join pa
jubanox, nyustasa
nyobuyas, nyomatis
nyowang at luyax
at around the keme ay
fulness ng linga
______________________________
*AKO AY MAY LOBO
akez ay may lobing
nag flysung sa heaven
wiz ko na na sighting
nyomutok na palerz
shoyang lang ang adeks
pang buysung ng lobing
nyuti pa pang lafez
nyomusog pa akez
*BUBUKA ANG BULAKLAK
Bubukesh ang floweret
jojosok ang reynabelz
shochurva ng chacha
pa jembot jembot fah
boom tiyayavush
tiyayavush chenes
boom tiyayavush
tiyayavush chenes
______________________________
*PEN PEN DE SARAHPEN
Pen pen de chorvaloo
de kemerloo de eklavoo
hao hao de chenelyn
de ba yutech
si friti dapat iipit
goldness-filak
chumochorva
sa tabi ng chenes
shoyang fula
talong na fula
shoyang fute
talong na mapute
chuk chak chenes
namo uz ek
______________________________
*TAGU-TAGUAN
Shogu-shoguan
ning ning galore ng buwan
pag-counting ng krompu
naka shogu na kayey
jisa
krolawa
shotlo
kyopat
jima
kyonim
nyitoert
walochi
syamert
krompu
mga beki
andetrax na si atashi
______________________________
*AKO AY MAY ALAGA
aketch may nyologa
solang majuba
juntot ay majoba
majinis ang nyukha
halgay niya aketch
halgay ko rin siyasi
kaya mekey mudwa
laging magkajoma
______________________________
*SAMPUNG MGA DALIRI
jompung mga joliri
jomay at tiil
joluwang jenga
joluwang tameyk
jilong na magandich
majijiit ng ngipin
majurap ilafez
jilang majiit nagjojobing
wag kang magjijinungaling
______________________________
*INDIAN PANA
indian shona
shoshona-shona
shotlong jitlog
jojolog jolog
indian jona
jojona-jona
shotlong jitlog
jojolog jolog
______________________________
*BAHAY KUBO
valer kuberch
kahit jutay
ang julamantrax dochi
ay anek anek
nyongkamas at nyutring
nyogarilyas at kipey
nyitaw, nyotaw jutani
kundol, jutola
jupo't jolabastrax
at mega join join pa
jubanox, nyustasa
nyobuyas, nyomatis
nyowang at luyax
at around the keme ay
fulness ng linga
______________________________
*AKO AY MAY LOBO
akez ay may lobing
nag flysung sa heaven
wiz ko na na sighting
nyomutok na palerz
shoyang lang ang adeks
pang buysung ng lobing
nyuti pa pang lafez
nyomusog pa akez
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