Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Gay and His Pleading Brother
Gay:
Ako'y matutulog na sa aking higaan, dahil ako'y gigising pa bago magbukang liwayway.
Sana ako'y makatulog ng mahimbing, upang ako'y makabawi sa ilang araw na pagsusunog ng aking makapal na kilay. Good night crush! =)
Brother
matulog ka ng mahimbing,
upang sa iyong pag-gising,
matanto mong ika'y lalaki rin!
Gay:
Ngunit kahit anong gawin,
umaga'y gumaganda pa rin,
dahil sa bawat paggising,
mukhang kaakit akit pa rin,
ang bumubungad sa akin!
Brother:
wala na bang pag-asa,
mawalay ang pagka-dyokla?
minsan ako'y nababahala,
dahil sa chenes mong pananalita!
utak ko ri'y nagsusumamo,
matigil na sana ang iyong eklavo!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Cooperation
Earlier, as I was browsing over our MAIDRS running pictures, my attention was caught by this one.
And so, I tagged this one as COOPERATION. Here's a closer look:
See what I mean?
And so, I tagged this one as COOPERATION. Here's a closer look:
See what I mean?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Yaya
:~
1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”
--- --- --------- ---------
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
--- --- --------- ---------
3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”
--- --- --------- ---------
4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”
--- --- --------- ---------
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
--- --- --------- ---------
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”
--- --- --------- ---------
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”
--- --- --------- ---------
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
--- --- --------- ---------
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”
--- --- --------- ---------
12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”
--- --- --------- ---------
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”
--- --- --------- ---------
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”
--- --- --------- ---------
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”
--- --- --------- ---------
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”
--- --- --------- ---------
18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
--- --- --------- ---------
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”
--- --- --------- ---------
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”
--- --- --------- ---------
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”
--- --- --------- ---------
23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”
--- --- --------- ---------
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”
--- --- --------- ---------
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
--- --- --------- ---------
26. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”
--- --- --------- ---------
27. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”
--- --- --------- ---------
1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”
--- --- --------- ---------
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
--- --- --------- ---------
3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”
--- --- --------- ---------
4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”
--- --- --------- ---------
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
--- --- --------- ---------
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”
--- --- --------- ---------
8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”
--- --- --------- ---------
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”
--- --- --------- ---------
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
--- --- --------- ---------
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”
--- --- --------- ---------
12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”
--- --- --------- ---------
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”
--- --- --------- ---------
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”
--- --- --------- ---------
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”
--- --- --------- ---------
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”
--- --- --------- ---------
18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”
--- --- --------- ---------
19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
--- --- --------- ---------
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”
--- --- --------- ---------
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”
--- --- --------- ---------
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”
--- --- --------- ---------
23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”
--- --- --------- ---------
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”
--- --- --------- ---------
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
--- --- --------- ---------
26. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”
--- --- --------- ---------
27. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”
--- --- --------- ---------
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Cirilo
:p
A wealthy man living in an exclusive Connecticut suburb decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of 20 his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Cirilo, the only Filipino in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion..
Everyone was having a good time drinking Roederer Cristal, Le Pin,
dancing, eating foie gras, Belon oysters and Wagyu beef BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15 foot man-eating
crocodile in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to
jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Cirilo in the pool. Cirilo was fighting the
croc and kicking its ass. Cirilo was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and
chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the 20 croc through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Cirilo and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Cirilo strangled the croc and let
it float to the top like a goldfish. Cirilo then slowly climbed out of the
pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. A thunderous
applause greeted Cirilo.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Cirilo, my Princeton buddy, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars.'
No, it's all right, I don't want it,' said Cirilo.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
'How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,'
answered Cirilo.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Maserati and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again Cirilo said no.
Confused, the wealthy man asked, 'Well Cirilo, then what do you want?'
Cirilo said, 'I want the name of that putang-inang bastard who pushed me
in the Pool.'
A wealthy man living in an exclusive Connecticut suburb decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of 20 his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Cirilo, the only Filipino in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion..
Everyone was having a good time drinking Roederer Cristal, Le Pin,
dancing, eating foie gras, Belon oysters and Wagyu beef BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15 foot man-eating
crocodile in
my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to
jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Cirilo in the pool. Cirilo was fighting the
croc and kicking its ass. Cirilo was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and
chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the 20 croc through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Cirilo and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Cirilo strangled the croc and let
it float to the top like a goldfish. Cirilo then slowly climbed out of the
pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. A thunderous
applause greeted Cirilo.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Cirilo, my Princeton buddy, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars.'
No, it's all right, I don't want it,' said Cirilo.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.'
'How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,'
answered Cirilo.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Maserati and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again Cirilo said no.
Confused, the wealthy man asked, 'Well Cirilo, then what do you want?'
Cirilo said, 'I want the name of that putang-inang bastard who pushed me
in the Pool.'
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Men's Health Urbanathlon and Festival 2009 Funny Pictures
:)
As running enthusiasts, we find joy in taking pictures after finishing the race. Here's our most recent funny pictures (I only selected a few) after our Men's Health Urbanathlon and Festival 2009. Pictures are better viewed if clicked Ü
Okay, this picture is not funny, this is just our best group picture.
Have you seen the movie Orphan? Spot Esther from this picture :D
Brokeback Mountain
Open wide RunningAtom :P
*No caption needed*
Babaeng Impakta
Hungry?
Suicide
Oooohh...
The Who?
As running enthusiasts, we find joy in taking pictures after finishing the race. Here's our most recent funny pictures (I only selected a few) after our Men's Health Urbanathlon and Festival 2009. Pictures are better viewed if clicked Ü
Okay, this picture is not funny, this is just our best group picture.
Have you seen the movie Orphan? Spot Esther from this picture :D
Brokeback Mountain
Open wide RunningAtom :P
*No caption needed*
Babaeng Impakta
Hungry?
Suicide
Oooohh...
The Who?Thursday, November 19, 2009
Triple Birthday Treat
:D
In our group, 3 out of 4 celebrates our birthday every November. I don't know if November Birthday Celebrators is equally dominant in your company. If you'll do the Math, knowing that a woman bears a child 9 months from conception to giving birth, you'll arrive at February as the egg cell and sperm cell's acquaintance. And as we all know, February is the Month of LOVE! *grin*
And so we have a Triple Treat Celebration, as always, at Shakey's Tomas Morato. We enjoyed the food, but not their service. I even felt thirsty after leaving the place, for it took them sooo long until we finally gave up on our request for a pitcher of water.
Spaghetti from the Family Deal 2
We tried the new Angus Pizza (Still part of the Family Deal 2, with an additional of less than PhP80)
In our group, 3 out of 4 celebrates our birthday every November. I don't know if November Birthday Celebrators is equally dominant in your company. If you'll do the Math, knowing that a woman bears a child 9 months from conception to giving birth, you'll arrive at February as the egg cell and sperm cell's acquaintance. And as we all know, February is the Month of LOVE! *grin*
And so we have a Triple Treat Celebration, as always, at Shakey's Tomas Morato. We enjoyed the food, but not their service. I even felt thirsty after leaving the place, for it took them sooo long until we finally gave up on our request for a pitcher of water.
Spaghetti from the Family Deal 2
We tried the new Angus Pizza (Still part of the Family Deal 2, with an additional of less than PhP80)On our way out of the store, we spotted on Jennylyn Mercado together with her son.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Alamat Kung Bakit Sinungaling Ang Mga Lalaki
=))
Ito ang alamat kung bakit nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki..
***
Karpintero itong si Juan at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang
bahay sa tabi ng ilog.Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag
ang martilyo niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian Angel niya, "tutulungan kita, Juan".. .sabay lundag sa ilog.
Lumabas ito na me hawak na Gold hammer, "ito ba ang martilyo mo?" ... "hindi po"....
Lundag uli ang Anghel at lumitaw na me Silver hammer,"ito ba?"..."hindi po"...
Lundag uli sa ilog ang Anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "ito ba?"...."
Opo" ....natuwa ang Anghel. "Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang Gold at Silver hammer"...
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Juan sa may ilog at kasama ang Misis niya. Eh sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari, nalaglag si Misis sa ilog...iyak si Juan
Litaw si guardian Angel, "tutulungan kita"...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Britney Spears,
"ito ba ang misis mo?"....sagot
si Juan, "Opo"
...nagalit si anghel, "sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka"...
Nag- reason-out si Juan, "sorry po, Angel...kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jennifer Lopez.
At pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na Misis ko na ang kasama mo.. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Britney at Jennifer..
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.
***
Moral of the story: Kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki, Eh, for a good and noble reason.
Ito ang alamat kung bakit nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki..
***
Karpintero itong si Juan at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang
bahay sa tabi ng ilog.Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag
ang martilyo niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian Angel niya, "tutulungan kita, Juan".. .sabay lundag sa ilog.
Lumabas ito na me hawak na Gold hammer, "ito ba ang martilyo mo?" ... "hindi po"....
Lundag uli ang Anghel at lumitaw na me Silver hammer,"ito ba?"..."hindi po"...
Lundag uli sa ilog ang Anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "ito ba?"...."
Opo" ....natuwa ang Anghel. "Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang Gold at Silver hammer"...
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Juan sa may ilog at kasama ang Misis niya. Eh sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari, nalaglag si Misis sa ilog...iyak si Juan
Litaw si guardian Angel, "tutulungan kita"...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Britney Spears,
"ito ba ang misis mo?"....sagot
si Juan, "Opo"
...nagalit si anghel, "sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka"...
Nag- reason-out si Juan, "sorry po, Angel...kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jennifer Lopez.
At pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na Misis ko na ang kasama mo.. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Britney at Jennifer..
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.
***
Moral of the story: Kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki, Eh, for a good and noble reason.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Cowboy and The Genie
:~
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Friday, May 29, 2009
What Type of Programmer Are You?
:p
10 types of programmers you’ll encounter in the field
Programmers enjoy a reputation for being peculiar people. In fact, even within the development community, there are certain programmer archetypes that other programmers find strange. Here are 10 types of programmers you are likely to run across. Can you think of any more?
#1: Gandalf
This programmer type looks like a short-list candidate to play Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings. He (or even she!) has a beard halfway to his knees, a goofy looking hat, and may wear a cape or a cloak in the winter. Luckily for the team, this person is just as adept at working magic as Gandalf. Unluckily for the team, they will need to endure hours of stories from Gandalf about how he or she to walk uphill both ways in the snow to drop off the punch cards at the computer room. The Gandalf type is your heaviest hitter, but you try to leave them in the rear and call them up only in times of desperation.
#2: The Martyr
In any other profession, The Martyr is simply a “workaholic.” But in the development field, The Martyr goes beyond that and into another dimension. Workaholics at least go home to shower and sleep. The Martyr takes pride in sleeping at the desk amidst empty pizza boxes. The problem is, no one ever asked The Martyr to work like this. And he or she tries to guilt-trip the rest of the team with phrases like, “Yeah, go home and enjoy dinner. I’ll finish up the next three week’s worth of code tonight.”
#3: Fanboy
Watch out for Fanboy. If he or she corners you, you’re in for a three-hour lecture about the superiority of Dragonball Z compared to Gundam Wing, or why the Playstation 3 is better than the XB 360. Fanboy’s workspace is filled with posters, action figures, and other knick-knacks related to some obsession, most likely imported from Japan. Not only are Fanboys obnoxious to deal with, they often put so much time into the obsession (both in and out of the office) that they have no clue when it comes to doing what they were hired to do.
#4: Vince Neil
This 40-something is a throwback to 1984 in all of the wrong ways. Sporting big hair, ripped stonewashed jeans, and a bandana here or there, Vince sits in the office humming Bon Jovi and Def Leppard tunes throughout the workday. This would not be so bad if “Pour Some Sugar on Me” was not so darned infectious.
Vince is generally a fun person to work with, and actually has a ton of experience, but just never grew up. But Vince becomes a hassle when he or she tries living the rock ‘n roll lifestyle to go with the hair and hi-tops. It’s fairly hard to work with someone who carries a hangover to work every day.
#5: The Ninja
The Ninja is your team’s MVP, and no one knows it. Like the legendary assassins, you do not know that The Ninja is even in the building or working, but you discover the evidence in the morning. You fire up the source control system and see that at 4 AM, The Ninja checked in code that addresses the problem you planned to spend all week working on, and you did not even know that The Ninja was aware of the project! See, while you were in Yet Another Meeting, The Ninja was working.
Ninjas are so stealthy, you might not even know their name, but you know that every project they’re on seems to go much more smoothly. Tread carefully, though. The Ninja is a lone warrior; don’t try to force him or her to work with rank and file.
#6: The Theoretician
The Theoretician knows everything there is to know about programming. He or she can spend four hours lecturing about the history of an obscure programming language or providing a proof of how the code you wrote is less than perfectly optimal and may take an extra three nanoseconds to run. The problem is, The Theoretician does not know a thing about software development. When The Theoretician writes code, it is so “elegant” that mere mortals cannot make sense of it. His or her favorite technique is recursion, and every block of code is tweaked to the max, at the expense of timelines and readability.
The Theoretician is also easily distracted. A simple task that should take an hour takes Theoreticians three months, since they decide that the existing tools are not sufficient and they must build new tools to build new libraries to build a whole new system that meets their high standards. The Theoretician can be turned into one of your best players, if you can get him or her to play within the boundaries of the project itself and stop spending time working on The Ultimate Sorting Algorithm.
#7: The Code Cowboy
The Code Cowboy is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. He or she is almost always a great programmer and can do work two or three times faster than anyone else. The problem is, at least half of that speed comes by cutting corners. The Code Cowboy feels that checking code into source control takes too long, storing configuration data outside of the code itself takes too long, communicating with anyone else takes too long… you get the idea.
The Code Cowboy’s code is a spaghetti code mess, because he or she was working so quickly that the needed refactoring never happened. Chances are, seven pages’ worth of core functionality looks like the “don’t do this” example of a programming textbook, but it magically works. The Code Cowboy definitely does not play well with others. And if you put two Code Cowboys on the same project, it is guaranteed to fail, as they trample on each other’s changes and shoot each other in the foot.
Put a Code Cowboy on a project where hitting the deadline is more important than doing it right, and the code will be done just before deadline every time. The Code Cowboy is really just a loud, boisterous version of The Ninja. While The Ninja executes with surgical precision, The Code Cowboy is a raging bull and will gore anything that gets in the way.
#8: The Paratrooper
You know those movies where a sole commando is air-dropped deep behind enemy lines and comes out with the secret battle plans? That person in a software development shop is The Paratrooper. The Paratrooper is the last resort programmer you send in to save a dying project. Paratroopers lack the patience to work on a long-term assignment, but their best asset is an uncanny ability to learn an unfamiliar codebase and work within it. Other programmers might take weeks or months to learn enough about a project to effectively work on it; The Paratrooper takes hours or days. Paratroopers might not learn enough to work on the core of the code, but the lack of ramp-up time means that they can succeed where an entire team might fail.
#9: Mediocre Man
“Good enough” is the best you will ever get from Mediocre Man. Don’t let the name fool you; there are female varieties of Mediocre Man too. And he or she always takes longer to produce worse code than anyone else on the team. “Slow and steady barely finishes the race” could describe Mediocre Man’s projects. But Mediocre Man is always just “good enough” to remain employed.
When you interview this type, they can tell you a lot about the projects they’ve been involved with but not much about their actual involvement. Filtering out the Mediocre Man type is fairly easy: Ask for actual details of the work they’ve done, and they suddenly get a case of amnesia. Let them into your organization, though, and it might take years to get rid of them.
#10: The Evangelist
No matter what kind of environment you have, The Evangelist insists that it can be improved by throwing away all of your tools and processes and replacing them with something else. The Evangelist is actually the opposite of The Theoretician. The Evangelist is outspoken, knows an awful lot about software development, but performs very little actual programming.
The Evangelist is secretly a project manager or department manager at heart but lacks the knowledge or experience to make the jump. So until The Evangelist is able to get into a purely managerial role, everyone else needs to put up with his or her attempts to revolutionize the workplace.
10 types of programmers you’ll encounter in the field
Programmers enjoy a reputation for being peculiar people. In fact, even within the development community, there are certain programmer archetypes that other programmers find strange. Here are 10 types of programmers you are likely to run across. Can you think of any more?
#1: Gandalf
This programmer type looks like a short-list candidate to play Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings. He (or even she!) has a beard halfway to his knees, a goofy looking hat, and may wear a cape or a cloak in the winter. Luckily for the team, this person is just as adept at working magic as Gandalf. Unluckily for the team, they will need to endure hours of stories from Gandalf about how he or she to walk uphill both ways in the snow to drop off the punch cards at the computer room. The Gandalf type is your heaviest hitter, but you try to leave them in the rear and call them up only in times of desperation.
#2: The Martyr
In any other profession, The Martyr is simply a “workaholic.” But in the development field, The Martyr goes beyond that and into another dimension. Workaholics at least go home to shower and sleep. The Martyr takes pride in sleeping at the desk amidst empty pizza boxes. The problem is, no one ever asked The Martyr to work like this. And he or she tries to guilt-trip the rest of the team with phrases like, “Yeah, go home and enjoy dinner. I’ll finish up the next three week’s worth of code tonight.”
#3: Fanboy
Watch out for Fanboy. If he or she corners you, you’re in for a three-hour lecture about the superiority of Dragonball Z compared to Gundam Wing, or why the Playstation 3 is better than the XB 360. Fanboy’s workspace is filled with posters, action figures, and other knick-knacks related to some obsession, most likely imported from Japan. Not only are Fanboys obnoxious to deal with, they often put so much time into the obsession (both in and out of the office) that they have no clue when it comes to doing what they were hired to do.
#4: Vince Neil
This 40-something is a throwback to 1984 in all of the wrong ways. Sporting big hair, ripped stonewashed jeans, and a bandana here or there, Vince sits in the office humming Bon Jovi and Def Leppard tunes throughout the workday. This would not be so bad if “Pour Some Sugar on Me” was not so darned infectious.
Vince is generally a fun person to work with, and actually has a ton of experience, but just never grew up. But Vince becomes a hassle when he or she tries living the rock ‘n roll lifestyle to go with the hair and hi-tops. It’s fairly hard to work with someone who carries a hangover to work every day.
#5: The Ninja
The Ninja is your team’s MVP, and no one knows it. Like the legendary assassins, you do not know that The Ninja is even in the building or working, but you discover the evidence in the morning. You fire up the source control system and see that at 4 AM, The Ninja checked in code that addresses the problem you planned to spend all week working on, and you did not even know that The Ninja was aware of the project! See, while you were in Yet Another Meeting, The Ninja was working.
Ninjas are so stealthy, you might not even know their name, but you know that every project they’re on seems to go much more smoothly. Tread carefully, though. The Ninja is a lone warrior; don’t try to force him or her to work with rank and file.
#6: The Theoretician
The Theoretician knows everything there is to know about programming. He or she can spend four hours lecturing about the history of an obscure programming language or providing a proof of how the code you wrote is less than perfectly optimal and may take an extra three nanoseconds to run. The problem is, The Theoretician does not know a thing about software development. When The Theoretician writes code, it is so “elegant” that mere mortals cannot make sense of it. His or her favorite technique is recursion, and every block of code is tweaked to the max, at the expense of timelines and readability.
The Theoretician is also easily distracted. A simple task that should take an hour takes Theoreticians three months, since they decide that the existing tools are not sufficient and they must build new tools to build new libraries to build a whole new system that meets their high standards. The Theoretician can be turned into one of your best players, if you can get him or her to play within the boundaries of the project itself and stop spending time working on The Ultimate Sorting Algorithm.
#7: The Code Cowboy
The Code Cowboy is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. He or she is almost always a great programmer and can do work two or three times faster than anyone else. The problem is, at least half of that speed comes by cutting corners. The Code Cowboy feels that checking code into source control takes too long, storing configuration data outside of the code itself takes too long, communicating with anyone else takes too long… you get the idea.
The Code Cowboy’s code is a spaghetti code mess, because he or she was working so quickly that the needed refactoring never happened. Chances are, seven pages’ worth of core functionality looks like the “don’t do this” example of a programming textbook, but it magically works. The Code Cowboy definitely does not play well with others. And if you put two Code Cowboys on the same project, it is guaranteed to fail, as they trample on each other’s changes and shoot each other in the foot.
Put a Code Cowboy on a project where hitting the deadline is more important than doing it right, and the code will be done just before deadline every time. The Code Cowboy is really just a loud, boisterous version of The Ninja. While The Ninja executes with surgical precision, The Code Cowboy is a raging bull and will gore anything that gets in the way.
#8: The Paratrooper
You know those movies where a sole commando is air-dropped deep behind enemy lines and comes out with the secret battle plans? That person in a software development shop is The Paratrooper. The Paratrooper is the last resort programmer you send in to save a dying project. Paratroopers lack the patience to work on a long-term assignment, but their best asset is an uncanny ability to learn an unfamiliar codebase and work within it. Other programmers might take weeks or months to learn enough about a project to effectively work on it; The Paratrooper takes hours or days. Paratroopers might not learn enough to work on the core of the code, but the lack of ramp-up time means that they can succeed where an entire team might fail.
#9: Mediocre Man
“Good enough” is the best you will ever get from Mediocre Man. Don’t let the name fool you; there are female varieties of Mediocre Man too. And he or she always takes longer to produce worse code than anyone else on the team. “Slow and steady barely finishes the race” could describe Mediocre Man’s projects. But Mediocre Man is always just “good enough” to remain employed.
When you interview this type, they can tell you a lot about the projects they’ve been involved with but not much about their actual involvement. Filtering out the Mediocre Man type is fairly easy: Ask for actual details of the work they’ve done, and they suddenly get a case of amnesia. Let them into your organization, though, and it might take years to get rid of them.
#10: The Evangelist
No matter what kind of environment you have, The Evangelist insists that it can be improved by throwing away all of your tools and processes and replacing them with something else. The Evangelist is actually the opposite of The Theoretician. The Evangelist is outspoken, knows an awful lot about software development, but performs very little actual programming.
The Evangelist is secretly a project manager or department manager at heart but lacks the knowledge or experience to make the jump. So until The Evangelist is able to get into a purely managerial role, everyone else needs to put up with his or her attempts to revolutionize the workplace.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Why Am I Married?
:~
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Monday, April 27, 2009
A Letter to Bob Ong
:p
Dear Mr. Bob Ong,
Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.
Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?
In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one?
Lubos na gumagalang,
- Bartolome -
- ANG REPLY -
Dear Bartolome,
Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?
Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:
1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box—yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.
Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart."
2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”
3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”
4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.
5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”
6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”
7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit. (para sa mga hindi maka-“gets”, kapag tinanong ka, ang sagot mo ay, “sapagkat, ikaw lamang ang tanging ilaw at liwanag sa buhay ko”, o kaya naman ay, “you light up my life”…
8. I-text mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”
9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”
10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”
11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: "aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko."
12. Pagatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, "ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo"
13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng "salbabida", wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bakit? ang isagot mo ay " ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko."
14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na “don’t leave your valuables unattended.”
Handang tumulong lagi,
- Bob Ong -
Dear Mr. Bob Ong,
Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.
Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?
In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one?
Lubos na gumagalang,
- Bartolome -
- ANG REPLY -
Dear Bartolome,
Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?
Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:
1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box—yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.
Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart."
2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”
3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”
4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.
5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”
6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”
7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit. (para sa mga hindi maka-“gets”, kapag tinanong ka, ang sagot mo ay, “sapagkat, ikaw lamang ang tanging ilaw at liwanag sa buhay ko”, o kaya naman ay, “you light up my life”…
8. I-text mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”
9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”
10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”
11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: "aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko."
12. Pagatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, "ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo"
13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng "salbabida", wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bakit? ang isagot mo ay " ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko."
14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na “don’t leave your valuables unattended.”
Handang tumulong lagi,
- Bob Ong -
Friday, April 24, 2009
Man and Wife
:D
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure. What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or no."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure. What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or no."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Math Class
:v
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
Monday, April 20, 2009
True Stories About Stupid PC Customer
:r
"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled Win95..."
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled Win95..."
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
Monday, April 6, 2009
English Tagalog Dictionary
:v
Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Tissue - Ikaw nga!
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
Profit - Patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog - bacon saka egg
Beehive - magpakatino ka
CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Diploma - Ang tubero
Deposit - Ang Gripo (i.e. Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
Debug - ang ipis
Defrag - ang palaka
Defense - ang bakod
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate - ang plato
Detest - ang eksamin
Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote - ang boto
Devastation - sakayan ng bus
Dilemma - brownout, a!
Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
Forums - apat na kwarto
July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
Liturgy - what comes after litur F
Thesis - ito ay...
Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Tissue - Ikaw nga!
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
Profit - Patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog - bacon saka egg
Beehive - magpakatino ka
CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Diploma - Ang tubero
Deposit - Ang Gripo (i.e. Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
Debug - ang ipis
Defrag - ang palaka
Defense - ang bakod
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate - ang plato
Detest - ang eksamin
Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote - ang boto
Devastation - sakayan ng bus
Dilemma - brownout, a!
Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
Forums - apat na kwarto
July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
Liturgy - what comes after litur F
Thesis - ito ay...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Funny Answers by Brilliants
:~
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already built.
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.(Good one)
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: No Probs, He sleeps at night.
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.
Q: What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A: Dinner.
Q: What happened when wheel was invented ?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already built.
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.(Good one)
Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: No Probs, He sleeps at night.
Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.
Q: What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A: Dinner.
Q: What happened when wheel was invented ?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Kids Are Quick
:z
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Mga Pamatay na Hirit
:r
(Karugtong ng Corny Pick-up Lines)
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"
PAMATAY NA REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"
(Karugtong ng Corny Pick-up Lines)
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"
PAMATAY NA REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"
Monday, March 9, 2009
Bill Gates Recruits New Chairman
:D
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new
Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is
MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to loseif I stay. I'll give it a try.
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than100 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose? So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only
two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, `Unsa mana, Dong?'
The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, Pre.'
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new
Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is
MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to loseif I stay. I'll give it a try.
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than100 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose? So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only
two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, `Unsa mana, Dong?'
The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, Pre.'
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Old Jokes
:z
ABAKADA
Baka kasi Inglisera na tayong masyado, so practice muna ulit ng ating wika, okay?
Basahin ang mga sumusunod sa Tagalog:
B, K, W, L, K, M, G, W, P, R, M, S, Y, T, W, K, H, H, H, T, W, P, H, H,
H, T, M, N, P, R, K, N, T, NGa!
P! , D, L, Mo, S, I, B...
P, R, N, man, M, K, B, wi K ! H, H, H.....
ANAK AT NANAY
Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!
ANAK AT TATAY
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa
Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.
PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako...
Doktor .... so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.
CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?'
Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!'
ABAKADA
Baka kasi Inglisera na tayong masyado, so practice muna ulit ng ating wika, okay?
Basahin ang mga sumusunod sa Tagalog:
B, K, W, L, K, M, G, W, P, R, M, S, Y, T, W, K, H, H, H, T, W, P, H, H,
H, T, M, N, P, R, K, N, T, NGa!
P! , D, L, Mo, S, I, B...
P, R, N, man, M, K, B, wi K ! H, H, H.....
ANAK AT NANAY
Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!
ANAK AT TATAY
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa
Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.
PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako...
Doktor .... so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.
CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?'
Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!'
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Parental Wisdom - Filipino Style
:~
Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.
1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."
2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"
3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC:
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."
4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:
"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."
5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"
6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"
7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"
8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"
9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."
10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"
11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"
12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY:
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"
13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"
14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng
RECEIVING:
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"
15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"
16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:
"Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
"Ang Tanging Ina" Movie Funny Lines
:O
1. Pag may tyaga, goodluck!
2. Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
3. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, mauubusan din ng kandila.
4. Ang taong nagigipit, sa Bombay kumakapit.
5. Pag may usok, may nag-iihaw.
6. No guts, no glory, no ID, no entry.
7. Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
8. Ang buhay ay parang bato, it’s hard.
9. Kapag ang puno mabunga, mataba ang lupa!
10. Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto, muta lang yan.
11. Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
12. Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
13. Better late than later.
14. Better late than pregnant.
15. Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment.
16. Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin, may utang.
17. Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
18. Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, ‘wag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
19. Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid ay puno ng linga.
20. Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng Alaxan.
21. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
22. Try and try until you succeed or else try another.
23. Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
24. Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
25. Behind the clouds, are the other clouds.
26. Aanhin pa ang damo, kung bato na ang uso!
27. It’s better to cheat than to repeat!
28. Ang batang masipag, paglaki ay pagod.
29. Ako ang nagsaing, iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh!
30. If you can’t beat them, shoot them.
31. Do unto others, then run!!!
32. Practice makes perfect, but then again no one's perfect so why practice?
33. Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang pang-salop.
34. Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
35. When all else fails, follow the instructions.
36. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
37. No man is an island, because time is gold.
38. An apple a day, makes seven apples a week.
39. An apple a day, cannot be an orange a day.
40. Ang babaeng hindi natumtumba ay dating Kundoktora.
41. When it rains, it floods.
42. Kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila.
43. Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan sapul.
44. Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik .
1. Pag may tyaga, goodluck!
2. Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
3. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, mauubusan din ng kandila.
4. Ang taong nagigipit, sa Bombay kumakapit.
5. Pag may usok, may nag-iihaw.
6. No guts, no glory, no ID, no entry.
7. Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
8. Ang buhay ay parang bato, it’s hard.
9. Kapag ang puno mabunga, mataba ang lupa!
10. Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto, muta lang yan.
11. Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
12. Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
13. Better late than later.
14. Better late than pregnant.
15. Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment.
16. Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin, may utang.
17. Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
18. Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, ‘wag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
19. Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid ay puno ng linga.
20. Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng Alaxan.
21. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
22. Try and try until you succeed or else try another.
23. Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
24. Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
25. Behind the clouds, are the other clouds.
26. Aanhin pa ang damo, kung bato na ang uso!
27. It’s better to cheat than to repeat!
28. Ang batang masipag, paglaki ay pagod.
29. Ako ang nagsaing, iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh!
30. If you can’t beat them, shoot them.
31. Do unto others, then run!!!
32. Practice makes perfect, but then again no one's perfect so why practice?
33. Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang pang-salop.
34. Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
35. When all else fails, follow the instructions.
36. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
37. No man is an island, because time is gold.
38. An apple a day, makes seven apples a week.
39. An apple a day, cannot be an orange a day.
40. Ang babaeng hindi natumtumba ay dating Kundoktora.
41. When it rains, it floods.
42. Kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila.
43. Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan sapul.
44. Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik .
Friday, January 9, 2009
Disorder in the American Courts
:r
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
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