Old Jokes

:z
ABAKADA

Baka kasi Inglisera na tayong masyado, so practice muna ulit ng ating wika, okay?
Basahin ang mga sumusunod sa Tagalog:

B, K, W, L, K, M, G, W, P, R, M, S, Y, T, W, K, H, H, H, T, W, P, H, H,
H, T, M, N, P, R, K, N, T, NGa!

P! , D, L, Mo, S, I, B...
P, R, N, man, M, K, B, wi K ! H, H, H.....

ANAK AT NANAY
Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!

ANAK AT TATAY
Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa
Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.

PROBLEMA NGA
Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako...
Doktor .... so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.

CUSTOMER
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, 'are they your babies?'
Man: 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!'

Parental Wisdom - Filipino Style

:~

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC:
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:
"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY:
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng
RECEIVING:
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:
"Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"

"Ang Tanging Ina" Movie Funny Lines

:O
1. Pag may tyaga, goodluck!
2. Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
3. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, mauubusan din ng kandila.
4. Ang taong nagigipit, sa Bombay kumakapit.
5. Pag may usok, may nag-iihaw.
6. No guts, no glory, no ID, no entry.
7. Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
8. Ang buhay ay parang bato, it’s hard.
9. Kapag ang puno mabunga, mataba ang lupa!
10. Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto, muta lang yan.

11. Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
12. Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
13. Better late than later.
14. Better late than pregnant.
15. Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment.
16. Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin, may utang.
17. Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
18. Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, ‘wag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
19. Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid ay puno ng linga.
20. Ang sakit ng kalingkingan, kailangan ng Alaxan.

21. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
22. Try and try until you succeed or else try another.
23. Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
24. Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
25. Behind the clouds, are the other clouds.
26. Aanhin pa ang damo, kung bato na ang uso!
27. It’s better to cheat than to repeat!
28. Ang batang masipag, paglaki ay pagod.
29. Ako ang nagsaing, iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh!
30. If you can’t beat them, shoot them.

31. Do unto others, then run!!!
32. Practice makes perfect, but then again no one's perfect so why practice?
33. Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang pang-salop.
34. Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
35. When all else fails, follow the instructions.
36. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
37. No man is an island, because time is gold.
38. An apple a day, makes seven apples a week.
39. An apple a day, cannot be an orange a day.
40. Ang babaeng hindi natumtumba ay dating Kundoktora.

41. When it rains, it floods.
42. Kung kaya ng iba, ipagawa mo sa kanila.
43. Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan sapul.
44. Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik .

Disorder in the American Courts

:r
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

You Should Know Better!

:v
15 Sex Facts To Make You Feel Good!

1 A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

2 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

3 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

4 Eighty-five percent of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse are found to have been cheating on their wives.

5 The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. Do the math!

6 The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

7 The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

8 Twenty-five percent of women think money makes a man sexier.

9 Donald Duck comics were once banned from Finland because Donald didn’t wear pants.

10 Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have five times as many lovers as typical women.

11 Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

12 A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

13 Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

14 Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

15 Average number of sperm per ejaculation: 100 million (try counting)